


The Real Castiel

by grey2510



Series: Misc SPN One Shots (<10k words) [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels, Crack, Dogma references, Gen, Good Omens References, I guess it's RPF in the same way that French Mistake is RPF, Is angel RPF a thing?, M/M, Metafiction, References to Supernatural (TV), i have no idea how to tag this, read the summary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 06:06:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6599767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grey2510/pseuds/grey2510
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a post by <a href="http://sirgyros.tumblr.com/post/142649682293/what-if-angels-really-existed-and-there-would-be">sirgyros on Tumblr</a>. Essentially: what if there's a real angel named Castiel out there who has to listen to all of our Destiel fics?</p><p>And so, here it is: what the real Castiel thinks about Destiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Real Castiel

**Author's Note:**

> Original post by sirgyros:  
> "What if angels really existed and there would be an angel namend Castiel? Imagine how he’d get insane by hearing people all over the world praying to him because they are reading gay fanficion.
> 
> Like: “C’mon guys not again! Today I already had to listen to 89 different A/B/O-, 76 BDSM-, 54 PWP-, 104 Highschool AU- and 17 prist-kink-fanfiction!” "
> 
> I originally posted this on Tumblr [here](http://grey2510.tumblr.com/post/142708979713/the-real-castiel).

Castiel is very old. But then, can one really give oneself an age when one has existed since before Time, as humans understand it? “Very old” will have to suffice, although Castiel knows they are younger than GOD’S first archangels.

As the angel destined to watch over humanity, Castiel has seen a great deal. They are not sure where the “solitude and tears” attributes originated, but considering some of what they have seen humanity do, tears have certainly been appropriate. They are responsible for bearing witness, for observing without interfering—a job they have done well for eons. And yes, there has been tragedy, but there has also been much joy. Humans are truly fascinating creatures.

Castiel, as they are known to some, although they have many names (human languages are at once confoundingly complex and infuriatingly limited), has seen it all.

Or so they thought.

They had never been one of the more popular angels, not like Michael or Gabriel, and they are thankfully not infamous like Lucifer. (Indeed, none of the Host even speaks the true name of the Fallen One anymore; the Latin name has usurped it entirely.) True, Castiel has always had a few loyal followers, mostly relegated to a handful of religious sects, and even then, their name is largely invoked only alongside those of their brethren. There is typically little individual call to an angel not known for interfering in the affairs of humanity.

But much to their delight, they have been featured in some human fictions. Obviously, far less frequently than their more renowned brethren. For instance, they remember clearly Metatron’s displeasure in the human year of 1999.

“I am nothing like that,” Metatron had frowned.

“At least they chose a good actor. You could do a lot worse than Alan Rickman,” Castiel had consoled, having been a fan of the man’s work for some time.

“I suppose.”

(Little did either of them know that by the human year of 2013, Metatron would yearn for the halcyon days of _Dogma_ ; not that they had issues with the actor, that is, but rather with the character.)

Now, of course, with prayer, the name alone is not enough to call an angel _—_ a fact for which Michael, Gabriel, and some of the other angels who share names with countless humans are grateful. But, fictional representations of angels somehow connect the name with the _actual_ angel.

Hence, Metatron’s displeasure.

Michael and Gabriel have long learned to ignore it, although Castiel does recall them asking GOD to fix the loophole.

Apparently, GOD had merely been amused by the request, then said something about “free will” and “the divinity of humanity” and “eternity”. The Host has long learned not to bother trying to follow THEIR logic when THEY go off about all of Creation.

Castiel has observed similar reactions among human teenagers and their parents. They wonder what that says about the Host.

In any case, Castiel never gave the issue much thought until September 2008, according to human calendars.

They had been in Nigeria, witnessing the birth of a young girl who will grow to lead her people to greatness, despite being born in a poor village.

And then the prayers hit, no, _assaulted_ them.

The majority of prayers had been nearly incomprehensible squealing, but there were some common elements: “OMG, Castiel is a badass!” and “Fuck, that _voice_. And the sex hair?!” and “Castiel is an angel?!” and “Dean, don’t shoot Castiel!”

As far as Castiel knew, no one named Dean had attempted to shoot them, and while they were aware they did possess some qualities that might qualify them for badassery, they had not done anything lately of which humanity would take notice. And, the voice and sex hair?

It hadn’t taken long for Castiel to find the source of the prayers, and they would be lying if they said their wings hadn’t puffed out with pride at the realization they were being made into an obviously popular character on a television show.

They didn’t even object to the actor. This Misha Collins was captivating in the role, even if the Castiel ("Cas", apparently) on film was nothing like the real deal. The sternness of Cas at first was far more like the uptightness of Michael and Gabriel (both of whom had objected loudly to their portrayals on the show—as had many other angels about their counterparts).

(Personally, Castiel likes to imagine the show’s version of Gabriel announcing the coming birth of Jesus to the Virgin Mary, not that they share these thoughts out loud; the real Gabriel had been far less amused by the porn-loving trickster.)

From what Castiel can tell, they have the best rep on the show. Not bad for a fairly obscure angel, they think. Cas might be awkward, but he (and Castiel finds it strange to assign any version of themselves a gender, but such is the way of humans) is righteous and compelling.

They didn’t even mind the fan fictions. At least, not at first. They, through their observation of humanity, have long realized humanity’s need to explain their world through fiction. The “high school AUs”, for example. (Yes, they are well aware of Tumblr and AO3 and livejournal and ff.net _—_ Cas may be pop-culturally illiterate, but Castiel is not.) With so many younger viewers of the show, it was no surprise that so many of these teens would deal with their pain and experiences by imagining their idols (namely Cas and Dean, from the prayers Castiel has heard) in their place.

Castiel even understood _—_ to some degree _—_ the need to find validation and to explore “kinks” and other taboo or controversial subjects through fan fiction. (They have never understood humanity’s obsession with sexual orientation. Castiel had been amused to hear their television counterpart express his indifference to such a distinction. Perhaps fiction can find root in fact.)

But then the fan fictions became more prolific, even more so than the bout of them Aziraphale has had to contend with (linking them to a demon, no less!) over the past twenty or so Earth years.

“Me! With a demon?” Aziraphale had exclaimed to anyone who would listen.

“Well, the character was originally an angel,” Castiel had tried to soothe their friend.

“He fell!”

“More like sauntered vaguely downward.”

“Not helping, Castiel.”

“But, it does make for an interesting story,” Castiel had argued. “Did you read the book?”

“Yes,” they had begrudgingly admitted.

“And?”

“It was good, alright?” Aziraphale had grumped. “Just wait till it happens to you.”

And then it did. With another demon named Crowley.

“Now you know how I feel,” Aziraphale had said with decidedly non-angelic smugness.

“It’s not the demon I mind,” Castiel had allowed. They really did enjoy the character, as well as that Mark Sheppard actor. “But, anyone with eyes can see the real love story is between Cas and Dean.”

Aziraphale had looked shocked and had sputtered, “You…what is it called… _ship_ them?”

“You don’t?”

“I think you’ve been observing humans for too long.”

“Perhaps.”

But the longer this subtextual ship has gone on (even though, for an angel, eight years is barely a blink of existence, the time seems endless in this case), the more Castiel wishes for Destiel to become canon, if only to mitigate the influx of fan fiction prayers they receive each day. Perhaps if it is canon, the authors will find less need to get out their frustrations in fic after fic after fic.

And today, it has become too much. Castiel can take it no more.

“Not again!” they complain to whomever is nearest. “Today I’ve already had to listen to 89 different A/B/O-, 76 BDSM-, 54 PWP-, 104 high school AU- and 17 priest-kink-fan fictions!”

Of course, the other angels just look at them and snicker. Even Michael looks faintly amused.

(And really, who is Gabriel to laugh? Castiel suspects the archangel is a closeted supporter of Sabriel.)

“That’s it. I’ve had it,” Castiel gripes. “Someone make those two idiots canon already!”

Of course, that does nothing, and the Host returns to their duties.

 

Castiel is very old. They have watched humanity since its inception. They have never interfered.

They will now.

First stop: the offices of one Jeremy Carver.

**Author's Note:**

> I wonder if there's a real Castiel out there who is now annoyed that there's a fic about them being annoyed about fics about Cas.
> 
>    
> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos appreciated!
> 
> Check out my other works (sorted by series for easier navigation):  
> [Grey's works](http://archiveofourown.org/users/grey2510/series)  
> Come visit me on Tumblr! @[grey2510](https://grey2510.tumblr.com/)


End file.
